How could i be so stupid, so blind? all these times ive been living in a complete lie. all these years. funny, nasobrahan ata ang pagiging dreamer ko. hahaha. perhaps all those lifestyle shows i watch on tv made me realize my true place in this world. i am a 0. perhaps in the eyes of many, i am nothing really. but despite that FACT, for me i am special. i just don't know how to get hold of that spark again. Napag-iiwanan na ako. i am already turning 21 this year. and so far i am not satisfied with what i am. hindi ito ang naimagine ko nung 5 year old pa ako. i remember being so sure that i will be proud of myself someday. no question. nung bata ako. i even looked up to an auntie of mine in the states because of her success. sabi ko pa nga, mahihigitan ko siya. unfortunately i was not armored well to fight the battle i had to go through. specially sa sarili ko.  maybe being vunerable for sometime in your life makes you much much stronger in the long run. siguro. but sometimes i do believe that this is just something i had to go through. Pero, Lord ang tagal naman ata. Masyado. 

i was affected by some people. mapa-kaibigan o acqaaintance. im not sure if im just being too sensitive. I remember i was having this discusiion about med school with a certain friend. i was telling her im not yet sure if ill push through with it. sabi niya "feeling ko pang clinical psych ka LANG." a-huh. she did that to me several times na. i mean accidentally putting me down. or is it just me. one time we had this project for our finals for oral comm. feeling ko i made a mistake talaga. and she even said "kasalanan mo kaya bakit kayo natalo." okay. those little things stick with me. and lots of other things people say about me. it sticks with me. and everytime i remember those words, phrases... nasasaktan pa din ako. words can be very damaging. specially with someone who sensitive like me, i know i have to work on that. masyadong pagiging sensitive and at the same time emotional minsan. kaya ako mismo iniingatan ko ng magsalita ng medyo alam kong makakasakit. of course ive forgiven those people. but i can't seem to let go of what they had inflicted on me. I really need to psych myself. alam ko naman its the way i perceive things lang. but it really is hard. that's why some prefer therapy na lang. i realy need a therapist. where can i find one?  if i had the extre money... i will find one. hehe. sosyal.

i am recently drawn into learning about people on a much deeper level. especially those around me.  and i'm not really ecstatic about what i saw. you can never really tell at first how people can be so superficial and fictitious about themselves. at first you thought they're these amazing people overflowing with such confidence and poise that at some point you find  them intimidating. but then u can't help but realize later on that they are just like most people these days....

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a friend, who i hardly ever see anymore, finally replied to my message the other day. in quote he said: 

"ei. xnxa nw lng me nkpgopn ng frndster eh, ksma q pla leo nw d2 cafe, hehehe aus lng namn po me, ngkta n kmi ng gf q, hehe and ok nmn po, as in super hapy tlga, hehe pksbe ke ros hi nlng dn, supr hapy q lng nw xe kht gnun mga pngdaanan nmin, stil kmi p rin, and nw ms nrealze namn hw much we love each oder, un lng nw, ge tnx, ingats olweiz, tnx po, im stil ur frnd noh, dat wil nvr change, okie? luv yah 2 frend....=>"

okay. uhmm. not exactly the response i expected. but pwede na rin. he used to call us desperately in his pursuit of meeting her girlfriend in mindanao and was persistently seeking for generous compensation. i tried helping him by talking to him almost everyday and listening to him cry and be this insane desperate man that i am obviously not familiar with. ivenever seen him like that. i suggested for him to call roz in the us because she can definitely provide him with some money (5 0r 6,000 would do) considering the amount of money she earns there. hello 50,000 php a week?! that's like more than a million peso in a year... mas malaki pa sa budget ng goverment for the department of education! i thought then he was a bit shy to ask her considering their could-have-been-romantic relationship before. so i was the one who informed her and she immediately called me saying that she was soo worried about him (hell.. we all are) and that he had never imagined he was that crazy with the former 'non-existent girlfriend of his'. we used to laugh at him all the time really. why would he chose an underaged girlfriend who is in mindanao (staying there probably for the rest of her life)? and he even mentioned his plans of impregnating her when he gets there para hindi na daw sila magkahiwalay pa. dude, leave it for those freaking telenovelas, 

we haven't heard from him for several months now. we actually thought he could have made friends with a drug dealer or he could have physically swam into the ocean papuntang mindanao.coz he was that desperate. we tried calling him and he was always out of reach. he never bothered to call us since then. and now after messaging him several times he finally replied. a sort of hello-i'm pefectly fine-goodbye reply. he and that friend of his never make any effort of at least saying hi or how are you. lagi na lng kame ang nag eeffort. that was always like that ever since roz flew away. hay naku roz what did i tell yah?

frankly i'm getting tired of it.